Forgiveness and Conflict

In my experience these are two critical issues that need to be dealt with throughout your career. Not dealing with them always leads to trouble down the line and how you deal with them is also critical. I’m going to try to look at each one of these from different perspectives and help you to figure out what you need to do, where you have conflict in your career/life and where you need to seek forgiveness or ask for forgiveness.

Let’s start with the conflict, since this is where it all begins. We are in a day and age of email, social media, text messaging and all forms of non-verbal communication. Many times these by themselves can lead to conflict. People get offended at the “tone” used, the people copied, the lack of inclusion, you name it. So in your efforts, you are going to have to make the best judgement you can, when and when not to communicate in these ways. In reality, you are going to make mistakes, and you are going to have to address them at one point or another. Early in my career, I was tasked with something and could not get a response from the key individual. I had tried calling, tried doing what I could and then finally sent off an email, threatening escalation and copying my boss and the VP of the individuals area. Was that the right move absolutely not and my manager was quick to call me in. Now she did not make a big deal of it but gave me a lite tap on the wrist. Thankfully nothing more came of it and I did get what I needed. This was clearly a lesson on how not to communicate that I learned in an easy way.

Here is the problem with conflict though, many times it is not addressed. People you don’t even know may harbor bad feelings, for you for many reasons, being new, getting a position they wanted, whatever it may be. In my opinion these require honest conversations with each other. As the individual this is going to require you to be perceptive, have conversations and ask questions. The only way to help get past those feelings is to have the conversation. Now if it is directly a result of something you have done, the same mode applies only this time you may have some information, and it is in your best information to talk it out. I often recommend you did this through lunch, coffee break, or some casual conversation, rather than a formal meeting but you are going to have to decide based on the situation and the individual.

Another option is also to bring in someone else to help through the conversation if needed. Someone you trust, that you can help convey what you are trying to get across and what your outcome goal is going to be. This is usually a good option if you know the individual can get defensive or start raising their voice.

On the other end of this is your own conflict. Which the same rules apply, but now it is on you. First I would recommend you check your reaction (or as I wrote before your ego/bias). Why are you reacting the way you are, what are you reading into this? Second, I suggest if it is an email, text, or other message, sit on it a little bit. I worked with a guy who always kept his inbox in offline mode. If you are quick to write short, firing messages back, then you might want to consider the same. Then the last step is to go talk to the person with the right attitude, not pointing to them, but helping to understand. That is the only way you can really deal with conflict.

If you have read this far you are looking for forgiveness. You must forgive, but someone has wronged me multiple times, forgive them. I did not say trust them, but forgive them. Not forgiving them only hurts you. Everytime you see that person, stress builds up and you build a reaction to it. You need to release and allow forgiveness to win. Further, continue to have the conversation, talk to the person, relay your feelings, let them know what they are doing. It is not all innocent, but you have to look to the better part of people. Only when you forgive, talk and work together can you get to the point of the matter.

Update for 2022: I just finished a great training on Crucial Conversations that plays perfectly into this. We must have some of these conversations to clear the air and open up the dialogue. If you want more information on this training or the process I suggest reading the book.

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